Ssshhh!!! Remember your inside voice—and don’t answer that phone!
There is nothing worse when you think you and a friend or partner are going to enjoy a nice relaxing meal together when in the next table there is a person with a very loud, booming voice throughout the entire evening. You could ask to be moved to another area, but it would be extremely obvious especially when you are mid-way in your meal. So what do you do?
This happens more often than not. You are on a plane and six or seven rows back you can hear every detail of the party from the night before as the person relates every single detail to his buddy over his phone. Or two rows in front of him as the lady very loudly conducts a business conversation just before the plane departs. In both of these cases, they should have been kept extremely personal and handled before they boarded the plane or very quietly between only them and their recipient.
We all do not need to know the details or how much beer everyone drank at the party or how powerful a person is trying to sound in a business conversation. I am also sure that a company would not like to know that one of their trusted employees just shared a business deal with rows 2 to 12 of a flight which approximately 25-30 people just heard. Remember, she was talking really loud.
It is “almost” safe to say that everyone owns a mobile phone. So we are all basically addicted to talking. And for some reason people have a tendency to talk a little louder when using them. People are not discreet about using their mobile phones. So we first have the challenge of people using their phones when and where they want and then talking loudly when they do. You see them in restaurants, at work, at home, on the street, in cars, in church, at events, concerts, in theaters, in meetings and conferences, on dates, and my favorite…in restrooms. People don’t care when and where, they just answer and talk. Yes, please do not get me wrong, some people are very polite and turn them off and put them away, but some are not.
So my question is why do people use their phones without consideration of the people around them. And why are they unaware of possibly screaming into their phones or just talking at a very high volume.
Here are my answers:
Mobile Phones and the Etiquette
Q. Why do people behave the way they do and constantly use their phones when and where they like without consideration of others?
A. Because no ever told us not to use them.
Unfortunately, along with emails, no one in the beginning ever created rules or regulations for these two essential business and social tools. They just said, “Here they are and enjoy.” No standards were set and off we went. We created what rules we wanted as we went along. Some standards are now being set, but I am afraid a little too late.
Whenever the “huge” mobile phones of yesteryear first came out, you were “hip” to have one. I am only speaking to the boomers on this comment. Plus, you had to speak loud because the connections were not generally that good.
2. Mobile phones are not designed to be used everywhere. Be respectful. At times you do need to turn them off or at least go to vibrate. Remember how horrible it would sound if your phone went off in the middle of a meeting, your child’s dance recital or church. Leave them off, in the car or only on vibrate for an emergency. But please understand what an emergency is.
3. Emergency. An emergency call is an important call about a family member or a call that must be taken for an extremely important business call that can only be handled at that particular time. Have your phone on vibrate while waiting for the call, excuse yourself and leave the area to take the call. When you return from that call, thank the person you are with and either leave if necessary to handle the emergency or return to the meeting.
4. Places of Worship. This is one place when our phone or all electrical devices should be left in your car, home or office. Again, if you are expecting an important call, then keep it on vibrate, but other than that, then keep your attention in this “house.” I have heard phones go off during church and funerals. What is sad is that people will answer them and carry on a conversation.
5. Museums, concerts, theaters. Please turn off your phone completely. You may not be enjoying the performance or exhibit, but other people around you are.
The Loud Talkers or Even Soft Talkers
There are many reasons why people talk louder. Some just want to be recognized and feel important, some grew up in larger families and might just need to shout out so they stand a chance. But according to Dr. Amee Shah, Director of the Speech Acoustics and Perception Laboratory at Cleveland State University, there are four different factors. There is a biological component, a pathological component, a personality component and a cultural component. So there really are reasons why people speak louder or softer.
It can be the way you are built and can be “mechanical.” Everyone is built with a different size larynx and vocal cord. Also, some may have smaller lungs and can’t generate enough airflow to have a louder voice.
Pathologically speaking, the volume of a person’s voice can be due to changes in the tissue or vibration rate of the vocal cords.
“As we age, our tissue atrophies,” says Shah. “The vocal cords don’t vibrate as fast. Or there could be other things, such as the person is a lifelong smoker or they have vocal nodules or polyps. All those things can contribute to a softer voice.”
“Certain cultures prevent or inhibit loud talking, especially if you’re a woman,” she says. “There are pragmatic reasons why someone may not make direct eye contact and not project their voice loud enough.”
As to whether loud talking is genetic, Shah says it’s more about environment.
“At the family level, it’s more of a mental influence,” she says. “If it’s a large family, everybody learns that to be heard, you have to speak up. It’s more sociological.”
“You can definitely train yourself to talk louder,” she says, pointing to various methods such as using the respiratory control more efficiently, learning to work your optimal pitch so you’re not wasting air flow, taking deeper breaths, hydrating yourself more often, and doing yoga.
“All of these give you more projection,” she says.
Believe it or not, it is much harder to learn to talk softer. Most of the time, people have no idea they are talking loud unless someone tells them. They are just talking and talking and generally enjoying what they are saying and paying no attention to the level of their delivery. I think this is the case most of the time.
You can try and shush a person, but be careful. If they are a close friend, I would advise it. But if they are not, then you might just want to walk away.
The same goes for correcting people when they are on the phone in the airport, in movies or any public space or talking loud or even out of control with the words they are using. Do not take it upon yourself to ask them to talk softer, change the words they are using or turn off their phones. Find the manager or person in charge of the establishment. Tell them the problem and let them handle it. You don’t want to be caught in the middle of this challenge or confrontation. Trust me, it will only escalate the situation and it will never be handled by you and the other person or party. Allow the person in charge to take full responsibility and just walk away. Better yet, report the incident and go back to your seat.
This is totally different in a work environment. A loud voice can be very bothersome in a small work space. A supervisor, HR person or you as the boss could sit and talk with that person. It is very bothersome when a person is speaking all day and the people in the office can hear that person throughout the entire office or department. They do need to make an effort to use their “inside” voice. It does take practice, but can be achieved with effort.
One Other Challenge: Children in a Restaurant Misbehaving or Loud Voices
More and more restaurants are restricting children from admission in restaurants. Some find it cruel and some find it refreshing. But no matter the rules, prepare your children for restaurants or even your friend’s homes. Provide them with a few basic etiquette rules and a possible test-run or practice prior to exposing them to your friends or co-workers would be a grand idea. Make it fun for the children and a stress-free evening for you.
Enjoy your next flight or meal.
About the Author
Colleen A. Rickenbacher CMP, CSEP, CPC, CTA, CPECP is an international business and dining etiquette expert, trainer and author of Be On Your Best Business Behavior, Be On Your Best Cultural Behavior, The Big Book of People Skills Games and Be On Your Best Teenage Behavior. She helps clients stand out by improving their etiquette, protocol and communication skills. For information on her speaking, training or books, visit: www.colleenrickenbacher.com or [email protected].
