By BIS Contributor Debbie Lane
“Shame on you!” or “I am so ashamed of you!”
Are those phrases buried in you somewhere from your childhood days when you unknowingly did something that tremendously annoyed a grownup? Was this a one-time occurrence, or did the message of shame get repeatedly stamped into your psyche? Are these messages buried so deep, that you don’t remember them, yet they are there…sabotaging your plans for success?
Those little seeds of shame that were sowed into you at a young age may have grown into an integral part of your self-image or self-worth. Shame may be that hidden thing that is stopping you from achieving your potential. “After decades of obscurity…confused with and overshadowed by guilt – shame is increasingly recognized as a powerful, painful and potentially dangerous emotion.” When a person experiences shame, they feel there is something wrong with them, according to Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of “Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem” (VanScoy)
Shame is a self-conscious emotion, informing you of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, or regret…shame can lead you to feel as though your whole self is flawed, bad, or subject to exclusion…it makes you want to withdraw or hide yourself. (Lamia, 2011) If we think about these secret messages of shame that are buried inside of us and that manifest themselves in ways that are not to our benefit—we KNOW they are not true. But, they need to be dealt with, because they are unwittingly stopping us from achieving our potential by telling us “You’ll never be good enough” or “Who do you think you are?!” (Brown)
Brene Brown, an American scholar, author and public speaker, has studied shame, vulnerability, courage and empathy. She has written three #1 New York Times bestsellers: The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), Daring Greatly (2012) and Rising Strong (2015). She did a Ted Talk on Vulnerability and followed that up with a Ted Talk on Shame — because she said that “Shame is an epidemic in our country”.
Brown says men and women manifest shame in different ways – based on what is considered the “standard” we must all conform to (to be considered normal):
Female norms
- Be nice
- Be thin
- Be modest
- Use all available resources to enhance your appearance
Male norms
- Emotional control
- Work comes first
- Pursue status
- Violence
So, how can we be ourselves, if we are always striving to be the “normal” our society thinks we should be? How do we fix this issue – feeling shame because of buried messages from our childhood and the norms society places on us to be considered normal? How do we fix it in ourselves and help society to change? In her Ted Talk on Shame, Brown quoted Teddy Roosevelt’s speech (from April 10, 1910), called The Man in the Arena:
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Those are powerful thoughts about trying, in spite of what is going on inside and recognizing that the people criticizing you (i.e. shaming you) do not matter! What matters is that you tried! But sometimes we need a little more help than the awareness that what we feel shamed about does not matter. So… what is the antidote to shame?
According to Brown, the antidote to shame is empathy. Brown’s studies have shown that shame can’t survive with empathy. Two powerful words “me too” can stop shame in its tracks! So, finding someone, or being that someone to another person that says “me too” can help stop shame from doing any more damage.
While I do not profess to be an academic expert on this subject, I felt it imperative to bring light to it. While I’ve never done anything bad in my life, I have felt like Hester Prynne in the 1953 Ellery Queen novel, The Scarlet Letters, who was required to wear a scarlet “A” on her dress, in the Puritan town of Boston in 1642, to shame her. In retrospect, I’ve felt this way, because I didn’t live up to the female norms Brown describes (along with many others that I was raised with).
Growing up, I was a red head, with freckles, fair skin, and horn-rimmed glasses in a family of beauty queens and high school football stars. How could I not feel shame – right? This shame has caused me to lose my self-confidence, thinking I was not good enough, and subsequently back down in many circumstances where I should have stood my ground —resulting in an outcome that was not in my best interest. But…not anymore, because now I recognize shame for what it is!
I encourage you to examine your life for hidden shame. Shine the light on it and stop it in its tracks! The first step is awareness that it exists. The second step is a plan of action and the third step is execution of the plan. I encourage you to move forward immediately, now that you know what shame is and the impact it may be having in your life and…GET RID OF IT! Do whatever research you need to do, work with a counselor, and move forward without the burden of shame. It is not helping you, and it is stopping you from achieving your full potential. And, while you’re helping yourself, help others, with the two simple words “Me too.”
Sources
Brown, Brene Ph.D. “Listening to Shame” • Accessed June 2017.
Lamia, Mary C Ph.D. “Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion” • Psychology Today, April 04, 2011. Accessed June 2017.
VanScoy, Holly Ph.D. “Shame: The Quintessential Emotion” • PsychCentral. Accessed June 2017.
